My Plea Of "Not Guilty"
I've been thinking a lot recently about the one thing in my life that, if I could go back and change, I would go back and change. There are so many epic failures I could choose from, so many cringe-worthy moments I should take back. But, I would actually only change one slip - a literal one. One little slip of my foot changed the rest of my life.
It's funny to think of that as the one thing . . . a slip of my foot and not one of my mouth. But, that's the one. The short of it is (if you don't already know) is that I was Wii bowling with my socks on over granite flooring. I slipped and landed on the small of my back and burst a disc. The pain has been unending since. Two back surgeries done and at least two more in the future as last resorts, that fall has turned my life upside down. It has made my husband my caretaker, my children motherless more often than not, and work nearly impossible.
“I have not given this pain, any bit of it nor every bit of it, over to God. What I have been doing is thinking of all the "could have done's" and "I would have been's" and "they wouldn't have had to's" instead of all, ALL, that the Lord has done to bring me this far.”
The regret I feel is always there but heavier than normal on down days. In recent days I have been bemoaning that moment, feeling a real sense of loss-of-life. I wonder what could have been had I gone on with a strong back and in way less pain. I really feel like we would be in a different place. But, as I should surely know by now, God's plan for my life is exactly where I am today. As I opened one of my favorite devotional books ever, "The Book Of Mysteries" by Jonathan Cahn, my next day was titled, "The Asham". Mr. Cahn goes on to write about how Asham in Hebrew means both "the guilt" and "the guilty". They are two very different things but one in the same. As I read on, I began to realize that this is what I was feeling about this moment in time.
By definition, regret is:
noun - a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
verb - to cause to feel guilty.
By definition, guilt is:
Regret, penitence, remorse . . . imply a sense of sorrow about events in the past, usually wrongs committed or errors made.
Regret is distress of mind, sorrow for what has been done or failed to be done.
Penitence implies a sense of sin or misdoing, a feeling of contrition and determination not to sin again.
Remorse implies pangs, qualms of conscience, a sense of guilt, regret, and repentance for sins committed, wrongs done, or duty not performed.
The British definition is a bit more concise:
verb - to feel sorry, repentant, or upset about; to bemoan or grieve the death or loss of
noun - a sense of repentance, guilt, or sorrow, as over some wrong done or an unfulfilled ambition, a sense of loss or grief
I have not given this pain, any bit of it nor every bit of it, over to God. What I have been doing is thinking of all the "could have done's" and "I would have been's" and "they wouldn't have had to's" instead of all, ALL, that the Lord has done to bring me this far. Looking to Him for my future instead of to my slip up and what it did in my past. We all have our "slip ups". Some of them are super huge (according to society's gauge of "Big Ones and Little Ones") and some of them are super small (again according to society's gauge of "Big Ones and Little Ones"). But to Him, the One who judges all, a slip up is a slip up is a slip up (or for all the church folk out there - a sin is a sin is a sin). There is no "gauge" in His eyes. What He wants us to do is give those slip ups to Him and let Him continue to nail them to the cross where He already took care of it. By doing this, Christ is the "Asham". He is the guilty and the guilt offering to cover the guilt we feel. He killed two slip ups with one cross. As Mr. Cahn continues on to say, "Your guilt is nailed to the cross. And if Messiah is the Asham and the Asham is the guilt, then if the Asham dies, so too your guilt has died, and all your shame, and all your regrets. They've all died and are gone . . . completely and forever . . . It is finished in the Asham." God knew I needed to read that for today.
Therefore, no more regret. My plea is now, "Not Guilty".
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